On a deserted island somewhere . . . .

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere,

the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule

as to when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other

and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean

and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,

while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own,

the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,

about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores,

how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer,

and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,

who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery.

After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture,

but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any…

Learning Alfabet The Punjaabi Way!

...............this arrived from my modern punjaabi friend Aneel Verman from his self-owned delightful seaside resort: Sur La Mer http://www.surlamergoa.com/
on Morjim Ashwen Rd, Morjim,Pernem, Goa
(Sur La Mer:+ 91-832-6453102; + 91-832-6453103; + 91-832-6453104
Fax: +91-832-2244999
Delhi Cell-+91-98-112-53521; Goa Cell-+91-98-500-56742)

Learning Alfabet The Punjaabi Way!

A is for Aiscreame

B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.

C is for Caluoney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Caluoney'.

D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'

E is for Expanditure, the spending of money

F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building

G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame.

H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.

I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.

J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be..

K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')

L is for Loin, the king of the jungle

M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.

N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.

O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).

P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).

Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi – does not exist in the culture.

R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.

S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi .

T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.

U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'

V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.

W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'

X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.

Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.

Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.

20100205: Bank Robber

.....................this came to me from Raphael Maliakal in Boston USA - who loves to crack jokes at his lovely tolerant wife Tessie!

Bank robber with a loaded gun demanded all the money from the teller.
Teller gave the money to the robber. Robber then shot the teller - Bang.
He turned left and saw the man in the other lane. He asked the man did you see anything. He said "yes". He shot the man to the left - Bang.
He turned to the right and saw the man in the right lane. He asked the man did you see anything. He said "yes". He shot the man to the right - Bang.
Then he turned around and saw an old man behind him. He asked him did you see anything.
Old man said, " I did not see anything. But see my wife sitting on that bench. She sees everything."

CATHOLIC HORSES

....this one came to me from Dr.Arun Talwar of Cardiff/ UK, with whom and his wife I spent a lovely two days in the 1st week of Feb 2010

CATHOLIC HORSES
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
 
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse. 

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
 
By now, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on..
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
 
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!".


The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."

Family Problem..... Aaaaaaaaaaaa..........

......this one was sent in by Billy Chatterjee, Palam Vihar, Gurgaon

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love..... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, "talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story:
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather
and I am my own grandson..
And you say you have family problems...

The Indian fainted…

ANSWERS MEN HAVE supposedly WAITED FOR.....

So what wisdom if comes late. Read on.............

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'SUCK HERE'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

(Nominated as the world's best short joke)
3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.

The Best of Swine Flu