1. The US has made a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It's called the "Stock Market"
2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street
3. The difference between a pigeon and a London investment banker. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker? A tie!
5. The problem with an investment bank's balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right and on the right side nothing's left.
6. I want to warn people from Nigeria who might be watching our show, if you get any emails from Washington asking for money, it's a scam. Don't fall for it
7. Bush was asked about the credit crunch. He said it was his favourite candy bar
8. The rescue bill was about 450 pages. President Bush's copy is even thicker. They had to include pictures
9. President Bush's response was to meet some small business owners in San Antonio last week. The small business owners are General Motors, General Electric and Century 21
10. What worries me most about the credit crunch is that if one of my cheques is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to mine or the bank's.
From Anil Joshi anil10@gmail.com : 17 June 2009
Wednesday, 17 June 2009
Tuesday, 16 June 2009
Ear Infection!
They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong. Sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and
said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should havesaid there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room fullof strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?'
'There's something wrong with my dick,' he replied. The receptionist became irritated and
said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.' 'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.
The receptionist replied, 'You've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should havesaid there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.'
The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room fullof strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.
The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.
The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,'Yes?'
'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.
The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled,knowing he had taken her advice.
'And what is wrong with your ear, sir?'
'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Great Aussie humour................
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'
'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'
So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'
'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.
So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.
'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy
still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''
The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.
Six degrees of Blondes
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
First Degree
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Second Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Third Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Fourth Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´` *:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Fifth Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Sixth Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a flying-squad unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the flying-squad officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? ....They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
First Degree
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up.
The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Second Degree
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,. -:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Third Degree
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief.
She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!'
The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Fourth Degree
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.'
A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?'
The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy: W.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´` *:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Fifth Degree
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
'Is it mine?'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Sixth Degree
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a flying-squad unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the flying-squad officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? ....They send me a BLIND policeman.'
`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*:-.,_,-:*´`´*:-.,_,.-:*´`´*
Wednesday, 10 June 2009
Rangaswamy & The Tiger
(Colonial Poetry of the Raj)
Deep in jungle I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Bugger Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But am not feared these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jump with start
But noise is coming from damn fool heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - "Rangaswamy be brave"
I now proceed with too much care
From nonsense smell this Tiger's lair
My leg is shake, I start to pray
I think I shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to go
But Tiger giving bloody roar
He bounding from cave like shooting star
I commend my soul to Kali Ma
Through the jungle I am went
Like bullet with Tiger hot on scent
Mighty Tiger rave and rant
Rangaswamy shit in pant!
Must to therefore leave the jungle
Killing Tiger one big bungle!!
I am telling that never in life
I will risk again for damn fool wife.
...sent in by Ronnie D'Souza: ronnie99@airtelmail.in: 10 June 2009
Deep in jungle I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Bugger Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But am not feared these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jump with start
But noise is coming from damn fool heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - "Rangaswamy be brave"
I now proceed with too much care
From nonsense smell this Tiger's lair
My leg is shake, I start to pray
I think I shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to go
But Tiger giving bloody roar
He bounding from cave like shooting star
I commend my soul to Kali Ma
Through the jungle I am went
Like bullet with Tiger hot on scent
Mighty Tiger rave and rant
Rangaswamy shit in pant!
Must to therefore leave the jungle
Killing Tiger one big bungle!!
I am telling that never in life
I will risk again for damn fool wife.
...sent in by Ronnie D'Souza: ronnie99@airtelmail.in: 10 June 2009
Tuesday, 28 April 2009
Say you're a Mangi (Mangaloean) when.....
something to laugh....
* Konkani is never spoken, always sung.
* Sunday morning breakfast has to be sanna and sorpotel.
* At all family gatherings, (after a few drinks) the older men of the family will bring out their guitars and sing dirty songs and everyone will actually join in.
* Every other Mangy is a far off relation.
* Every trip to Mangalore includes gadbad from (?)Pabba''s/ Ideal
* And you love sea-food.
* Your brother-in-law is called "Bhaoji"
* You wear high-heels to a dance and then go bare foot on to the dance floor because it is more comfortable.
* Every sentence must start with a "kaale gi" and end with a "voi gi"
* You invite family to visit you overseas and give them long lists of things you need from India.
* You have two-three middle names, which was either of your grandmothers' or grandfathers' first name and most of which others can't pronounce.
* If you're a girl and your 22, you will get at least 3 proposals from Mangy men much older than you.
* You meet another Mangy and you both will know at least 10 people related to either of you. E.g. "She's my mother's aunt's sister-in-law's maidservant's niece."
* You love going on and on about who your grandfather was and what he did.
* You will ask your relatives traveling from Mangalore to bring you prawn/fish pickle and you make sure they also bring you some Mangalorean sweets.
* You deck/pile yourself with gold at weddings and sneer at women wearing simple jewellery and men, who often gotten drunk at the weddings.
* You know what a 'baila' is and you love dancing to it.
* If you're not married before your 28, the community will start to wonder if there is something wrong with you.
* In the 70s, at least 60% of all the Mangi men went to the gulf and were known as Gulfy's.
* You've learnt the skill of bargaining from your mother and it's something you're proud of.
* You have at least 30 first cousins and 70 second cousins. Your family tree is so large; it's a family orchard not a family tree.
* Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both or you had to go for singing lessons.
* Everyone is a family friend.
* You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all 25 members of your family who have come to pick you up.
* Your entire family is constantly fighting over property they all inherited from somebody else.
* You eat "atailly kadi" which is last night's curry (Goan's aptly call it "kalchi kodi") the next morning.
* You never understand how the bus drivers actually get away with their rash driving on the streets.
* The roads are so bad that you're always complaining about pot holes.
* Your friends call you a bewada and you love the fact that they do so.
* Your entire community knows everything about everyone and nothing is a secret.
* You only look to date Mangalorean men so that they can turn in to potential husbands.
* You are a man, you start losing hair and your belly grows when you're just 35.
* Your mother's main aim in life is to please your father.
* You don't know if your ancestors were Saraswat Brahmins or Portugese... and yet you will claim only Saraswat lineage.
* Your parents either have one brother called Wilfy, an uncle called Peddy, a cousin called Vally Dattu, a distant aunt called Yellubai (nickname for Aunt Helen), a neighbor who is called Jillibai and a dog called Tommy.
* And likewise everyone you know in the community has a corresponding ridiculously corrupted konkani equivalent to equally ridiculous throw-back name of yester-years. (for example 'Ipa' for Esperancsa.... 'Attie' for Arthur! ...or Tejju for Theodocius)
* The cure for any illness is peze, lonche aani kasai
* You can get on to any bus in Mangalore and you know that wherever the bus goes, you will always land up in Hampankatta.
.....sent in by Annie Sinha : Date: 2009/4/28
* Konkani is never spoken, always sung.
* Sunday morning breakfast has to be sanna and sorpotel.
* At all family gatherings, (after a few drinks) the older men of the family will bring out their guitars and sing dirty songs and everyone will actually join in.
* Every other Mangy is a far off relation.
* Every trip to Mangalore includes gadbad from (?)Pabba''s/ Ideal
* And you love sea-food.
* Your brother-in-law is called "Bhaoji"
* You wear high-heels to a dance and then go bare foot on to the dance floor because it is more comfortable.
* Every sentence must start with a "kaale gi" and end with a "voi gi"
* You invite family to visit you overseas and give them long lists of things you need from India.
* You have two-three middle names, which was either of your grandmothers' or grandfathers' first name and most of which others can't pronounce.
* If you're a girl and your 22, you will get at least 3 proposals from Mangy men much older than you.
* You meet another Mangy and you both will know at least 10 people related to either of you. E.g. "She's my mother's aunt's sister-in-law's maidservant's niece."
* You love going on and on about who your grandfather was and what he did.
* You will ask your relatives traveling from Mangalore to bring you prawn/fish pickle and you make sure they also bring you some Mangalorean sweets.
* You deck/pile yourself with gold at weddings and sneer at women wearing simple jewellery and men, who often gotten drunk at the weddings.
* You know what a 'baila' is and you love dancing to it.
* If you're not married before your 28, the community will start to wonder if there is something wrong with you.
* In the 70s, at least 60% of all the Mangi men went to the gulf and were known as Gulfy's.
* You've learnt the skill of bargaining from your mother and it's something you're proud of.
* You have at least 30 first cousins and 70 second cousins. Your family tree is so large; it's a family orchard not a family tree.
* Your parents have either made you play the piano, the violin or both or you had to go for singing lessons.
* Everyone is a family friend.
* You're walking out of customs with your trolley at the airport and you see all 25 members of your family who have come to pick you up.
* Your entire family is constantly fighting over property they all inherited from somebody else.
* You eat "atailly kadi" which is last night's curry (Goan's aptly call it "kalchi kodi") the next morning.
* You never understand how the bus drivers actually get away with their rash driving on the streets.
* The roads are so bad that you're always complaining about pot holes.
* Your friends call you a bewada and you love the fact that they do so.
* Your entire community knows everything about everyone and nothing is a secret.
* You only look to date Mangalorean men so that they can turn in to potential husbands.
* You are a man, you start losing hair and your belly grows when you're just 35.
* Your mother's main aim in life is to please your father.
* You don't know if your ancestors were Saraswat Brahmins or Portugese... and yet you will claim only Saraswat lineage.
* Your parents either have one brother called Wilfy, an uncle called Peddy, a cousin called Vally Dattu, a distant aunt called Yellubai (nickname for Aunt Helen), a neighbor who is called Jillibai and a dog called Tommy.
* And likewise everyone you know in the community has a corresponding ridiculously corrupted konkani equivalent to equally ridiculous throw-back name of yester-years. (for example 'Ipa' for Esperancsa.... 'Attie' for Arthur! ...or Tejju for Theodocius)
* The cure for any illness is peze, lonche aani kasai
* You can get on to any bus in Mangalore and you know that wherever the bus goes, you will always land up in Hampankatta.
.....sent in by Annie Sinha
Wednesday, 6 June 2007
Exercise for people over 50:
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
I'm at this level.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
…sent in by Ronnie D'Souza: 06 June 2007
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
I'm at this level.
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.
…sent in by Ronnie D'Souza: 06 June 2007
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