M.C.D.

Radio interview

The interview was as follows:

The Lady Reporter: 'Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?'
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: 'Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?'
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): 'Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?'
Farmer: 'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?'
Reporter: 'Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?'
Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?'
The program was never aired.....

A bit of Humour

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" (This one is my favorite)
=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention..
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt"
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was go ing to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

............sent in by Rev Balthazar Castelino: Paris

Pittsburgh to Pearly Gates!

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. 'Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.' He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.'
Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons....' the third priest mutters and moves to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus!!!

.................sent in by Patsy Morris: Delhi

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'
***They Walk Among Us!!***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***They walk amongst us!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
***They walk among us!!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

Eh Sir, the parrot is dead.....

' Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate. I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days'
'Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition? '
'Ye Boss, that's is the one.'
'Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod'
'Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Mista Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Boss'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!! '
'Yes Boss Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Mista Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL? '
'Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver.'
SILENCE..... ......... ..... ,
LONG SILENCE..... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
............ ......... ......... . .........,
FINALLY ............ ......... ...,
'Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!' *

............sent in by Pranab Ranade

Two Crocodiles....

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the water near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the waters near the parking lot by the "Parliament House"
"Same here. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their shining white Ambassador cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and his briefcase ! "
...........sent in by Rini Simon Khanna: New Delhi:

Shakespeare Re-visited...

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was so embarrassed. "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"
For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and, sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard?
Yes!
This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out... "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"

..........from Rini Simon Khanna: New Delhi