Eh Sir, the parrot is dead.....

' Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate. I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days'
'Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition? '
'Ye Boss, that's is the one.'
'Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod'
'Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Mista Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Boss'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!! '
'Yes Boss Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Mista Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL? '
'Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver.'
SILENCE..... ......... ..... ,
LONG SILENCE..... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
............ ......... ......... . .........,
FINALLY ............ ......... ...,
'Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!' *

............sent in by Pranab Ranade

Two Crocodiles....

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the water near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the waters near the parking lot by the "Parliament House"
"Same here. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their shining white Ambassador cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and his briefcase ! "
...........sent in by Rini Simon Khanna: New Delhi:

Shakespeare Re-visited...

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was so embarrassed. "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"
For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and, sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard?
Yes!
This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out... "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"

..........from Rini Simon Khanna: New Delhi

Tut...! tut...!

Naughty Mind ... ... High Expectations
It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he
received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) You have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!! (10 times ... ... Huh ... ... MY GOD !!! )

..........this one srrived from Suman Dubey: New Delhi

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officerwho volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commmissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol,
the second put into a container of cigarette smoke;
the third worm into a container of chocolate syrup;
and the fourth into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation :

What did you learn form this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back,

quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.
...sent in by Rev. Balthazar Castelino: Paris

Did u name it after me?

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN
WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

oo

oo

00

oo

oo

oo

oo

oo

oo

oo

ooo

.....sent in by Suman Dubey: New Delhi: 06 July 2009

A Game of Bridge

I was clearing up my desk of old papers, going through the freyed discoloured ones from the archives of a lifetime's collection before consigning to the bin - and among such pps, came across some great ones such as this....

A coloured woman was applying for a job.
Asked for a reason why she left her former place, she replied -- "Yes Mum, dey pays good, but dat was de most reckless place I'd ebber seen".
"Dey plays a game called Bridge, and last night dere was a lot of fellows dere, and filet as I was fixing for bringin in de refrshments, I heard a man say to a woman -- "take your hands off my trick" -- and I pretty near dropped!"
"And bless ma soul if I didn't hear another man say, "Lay down and let me see what you have got!"
"And den when I was making up ma mind for to go and get my hat,
I hears a woman say -- "Hmm.. you've got length, but you ain't got strength!" --
I got my hat and was makin for de door, when I heard the man say -- "I'm afraid, this is ma last rubber!!!!!!"
"No mum, I just couldn't stay in dat dere house a minute longer...!!!"

Really tight security... !!!!!!!

Prabhsharan Singh Kang (Delhi: 04 July 2009) got this one from his 'fauzi' friend, and passed it on to me..........

"quote" Amongst my duties in Dinjan (Assam), security tops the list. The ULFA martyr's day and Independence day were coming up, so we were expecting something to happen. Accordingly, I rang up all my detachments and warned them to be extra vigilant "Keep the security real tight". One of my youngsters assured me "Not to worry sir. Security will be as tight as a duck's assh__e" and hung up.
I pondered over this remark for quite a while and finally called and asked just what he meant by the reference to the duck's anatomy. "Oh that sir," he replied, " If it's not tight, the duck will sink". "unquote"

Australian Poetry Competition.

Australian Poetry competition had come down to two finalists - a university graduate and an old aboriginal.
They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the given word.
The word they were given was TIMBUKTU
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.

He stepped up to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination - TIMBUKTU

The crowd went crazy.. No way could the old aboriginal top that, they thought.

The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a-huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, and we was two
So I bucked one, and TIMBUKTU.

The aboriginal won.

.....sent in by Suman Dubey: Delhi: 03 July 2009