On a deserted island somewhere . . . .

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere,

the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule

as to when they alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other

and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two Englishmen are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean

and one look at the Polish woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide,

while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own,

the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,

about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division of household chores,

how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer,

and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman,

who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody wankers".
Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and set up a distillery.

After the first few liters of coconut whiskey they do not remember if sex is in the picture,

but they are satisfied that at least the English are not getting any…

Learning Alfabet The Punjaabi Way!

...............this arrived from my modern punjaabi friend Aneel Verman from his self-owned delightful seaside resort: Sur La Mer http://www.surlamergoa.com/
on Morjim Ashwen Rd, Morjim,Pernem, Goa
(Sur La Mer:+ 91-832-6453102; + 91-832-6453103; + 91-832-6453104
Fax: +91-832-2244999
Delhi Cell-+91-98-112-53521; Goa Cell-+91-98-500-56742)

Learning Alfabet The Punjaabi Way!

A is for Aiscreame

B is for Backside, and it has nothing to do with your butt. It is an instruction to go to the rear of a building, or block, or shop or whatever.

C is for Caluoney and its not a process for replicating sheep, nor is its first name George. It is merely an area where people live e.g. 'Defence Caluoney'.

D is for the proverbial 'Dangar da Puttar'

E is for Expanditure, the spending of money

F is for Fackade, and even though it sounds like a bad word it is actually just the front of a building

G is for Gaddi, and the way a Punjabi can pilot his gaddi puts any F1 driver to shame.

H is for 'Ho Jayega Ji', and the moment you hear that you have to be careful because you can be reasonably sure it's not going to happen.

I is for Intzaar, and to know more about it see P.

J is for Jutt, which every Punjabi seems to be..

K is for Khanna, Khurana, etc, the Punjabi equivalent of the Joneses (e.g.'Keeping up with the Khuranas ji')

L is for Loin, the king of the jungle

M is for 'Mrooti', the car that an entire generation of Punjabis were in love with.

N is for 'No Problem Ji.' To find out how that works see H.

O is for Oye, which can be surprise (Oyye!), a greeting (Oyy!), anger (OYY!) or pain (Oy oy oy...).

P is for Punj Mint, and no matter how near (1 km) or far(100 km) a Punjabi is from you he always says he'll reach you in punj mint (5 minutes...).

Q is for Queue, a word completely untranslatable into Punjabi – does not exist in the culture.

R is for Riks, and a Punjabi is always prepared to take one (risk), even if the odds are against him.

S is for Sweetie, Sunny, Simmi and Sonu, who seem to own half the cars in Delhi .

T is for the official bird of Punjab : Tandoori Chickun.

U is for when you lose your sex appeal and become 'Uncul-ji'

V is for VIP phone numbers @ Rs 15 lakh and counting.

W is for Whan, as in 'Whan are you coming, ji?'

X is for the many X-rated words that flow freely in Punjabi conversations.

Y is for 'You nonsanse', when anger replaces vocabulary in a shouting match.

Z is for Zindgi which every Punjabi knows how to live to the fullest.

20100205: Bank Robber

.....................this came to me from Raphael Maliakal in Boston USA - who loves to crack jokes at his lovely tolerant wife Tessie!

Bank robber with a loaded gun demanded all the money from the teller.
Teller gave the money to the robber. Robber then shot the teller - Bang.
He turned left and saw the man in the other lane. He asked the man did you see anything. He said "yes". He shot the man to the left - Bang.
He turned to the right and saw the man in the right lane. He asked the man did you see anything. He said "yes". He shot the man to the right - Bang.
Then he turned around and saw an old man behind him. He asked him did you see anything.
Old man said, " I did not see anything. But see my wife sitting on that bench. She sees everything."

CATHOLIC HORSES

....this one came to me from Dr.Arun Talwar of Cardiff/ UK, with whom and his wife I spent a lovely two days in the 1st week of Feb 2010

CATHOLIC HORSES
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
 
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race.
The priest again blessed a horse. 

Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
 
By now, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on..
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
 
Confronting the old priest he demanded, "Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!".


The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "Son," he said, "that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and the last rites."

Family Problem..... Aaaaaaaaaaaa..........

......this one was sent in by Billy Chatterjee, Palam Vihar, Gurgaon

Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, 'You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once.' We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love..... I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.'

The American said, "talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story:
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. 'After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grandfather
and I am my own grandson..
And you say you have family problems...

The Indian fainted…

ANSWERS MEN HAVE supposedly WAITED FOR.....

So what wisdom if comes late. Read on.............

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'SUCK HERE'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'down under.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

(Nominated as the world's best short joke)
3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.

The Best of Swine Flu

M.C.D.

Radio interview

The interview was as follows:

The Lady Reporter: 'Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?'
The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: 'Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?'
Reporter (obviously embarrassed): 'Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease?'
Farmer: 'And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?'
Reporter: 'Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?'
Farmer: 'I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?'
The program was never aired.....

A bit of Humour

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'" (This one is my favorite)
=======

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
========

Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."
========

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
========

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."
========

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."
========

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "
========

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."
========

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention..
========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt"
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."
========

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was go ing to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
=========

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

............sent in by Rev Balthazar Castelino: Paris

Pittsburgh to Pearly Gates!

Three priests were in a railroad station on their way home to Pittsburgh.
Behind the ticket counter was a very sexy, shapely, well endowed woman wearing a very tight, skimpy halter top. She made the three priests very nervous, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. 'Young lady, I would like three pickets to titsburg.' He completely lost his composure and fled.

The second priest goes to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.'
Mortified, he too fled.

'Morons....' the third priest mutters and moves to the window. 'Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And, if you insist on dressing like that, when you get to the pearly gates, St. Finger's going to shake his Peter at you.'

They took the bus!!!

.................sent in by Patsy Morris: Delhi

Caution... They Walk Among Us!

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?' When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff'
***They Walk Among Us!!***
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!***
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped She keeps it in the trunk.
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!***
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?' I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!! ***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
***They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!***
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of this deal.
It looked too good to be true, so he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
***They walk amongst us!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

*One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
***They walk among us!!***
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
***Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!!

Sadly, not only do they walk among us, they also reproduce !!!!

Eh Sir, the parrot is dead.....

' Hello, Boss Rod? This is Philemon, the gardener at your country estate. I have been trying for to speak with Boss now many days'
'Ah yes, Philemon. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Mista Rod, that your parrot died.'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the National competition? '
'Ye Boss, that's is the one.'
'Dam! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating rotten meat, Mista Rod'
'Rotten meat? Who in this world fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Boss. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Mista Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Boss Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Boss'
'Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?'
'The one at your house, Boss! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the!!??....Are you saying that my house is destroyed because of a candle??!! '
'Yes Boss Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Mista Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL? '
'Of your madam wife, Boss Rod... She showed up one night when telling nobody she was coming and I thought she was a robber, so I hit her with Boss's new Tiger Woods Limited Edition Nike Driver.'
SILENCE..... ......... ..... ,
LONG SILENCE..... ......... ......... ......... ......... .........
............ ......... ......... . .........,
FINALLY ............ ......... ...,
'Philemon, if you broke that driver, you are in deep, deep sh*t!' *

............sent in by Pranab Ranade

Two Crocodiles....

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the water near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me.. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the waters near the parking lot by the "Parliament House"
"Same here. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their shining white Ambassador cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of
them and eat them!"
"Ah!" says the big Crocodile. "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and his briefcase ! "
...........sent in by Rini Simon Khanna: New Delhi:

Shakespeare Re-visited...

Little Johnny was at the mall with his mother when a man came walking toward them. Little Johnny hopped up and down, laughed, pointed, and screamed, "Mommy! Look at that bowlegged man!"
His mother was so embarrassed. "John, your manners are atrocious! You need some culture, young man!"
For the next month Little Johnny was forced to read Shakespeare every night. When his detention was finally over, she again took him to the same mall and, sure enough, the same bowlegged man came walking toward them.
Had Little Johnny learned anything from the great bard?
Yes!
This time, as the man approached, Little Johnny cried out... "Hark! What manner of man is this me sees, who wears his balls in parentheses?"

..........from Rini Simon Khanna: New Delhi

Tut...! tut...!

Naughty Mind ... ... High Expectations
It was professor smith's first day at St. Johns medical college as a faculty. Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he
received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class. He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".
He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"
Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female. I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a male student Henry, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Henry answered: "pupil of a human eye".
The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said: "look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) You have a dirty mind and
(3) Your Expectations are too high !!! (10 times ... ... Huh ... ... MY GOD !!! )

..........this one srrived from Suman Dubey: New Delhi

RETIREMENT BONUS

If this doesn't make you laugh, you are truly humor impaired!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officerwho volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commmissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which He did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's weenie and began to work back.

Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where Are your testicles?'

The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration
would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol,
the second put into a container of cigarette smoke;
the third worm into a container of chocolate syrup;
and the fourth into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon,
the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation :

What did you learn form this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back,

quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,
you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.
...sent in by Rev. Balthazar Castelino: Paris

Did u name it after me?

SECONDS before Death (CHILLING).

WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING PHOTO.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN
WITH JUST SECONDS LEFT TO LIVE
(FRIGHTENING !)

oo

oo

00

oo

oo

oo

oo

oo

oo

oo

ooo

.....sent in by Suman Dubey: New Delhi: 06 July 2009

A Game of Bridge

I was clearing up my desk of old papers, going through the freyed discoloured ones from the archives of a lifetime's collection before consigning to the bin - and among such pps, came across some great ones such as this....

A coloured woman was applying for a job.
Asked for a reason why she left her former place, she replied -- "Yes Mum, dey pays good, but dat was de most reckless place I'd ebber seen".
"Dey plays a game called Bridge, and last night dere was a lot of fellows dere, and filet as I was fixing for bringin in de refrshments, I heard a man say to a woman -- "take your hands off my trick" -- and I pretty near dropped!"
"And bless ma soul if I didn't hear another man say, "Lay down and let me see what you have got!"
"And den when I was making up ma mind for to go and get my hat,
I hears a woman say -- "Hmm.. you've got length, but you ain't got strength!" --
I got my hat and was makin for de door, when I heard the man say -- "I'm afraid, this is ma last rubber!!!!!!"
"No mum, I just couldn't stay in dat dere house a minute longer...!!!"

Really tight security... !!!!!!!

Prabhsharan Singh Kang (Delhi: 04 July 2009) got this one from his 'fauzi' friend, and passed it on to me..........

"quote" Amongst my duties in Dinjan (Assam), security tops the list. The ULFA martyr's day and Independence day were coming up, so we were expecting something to happen. Accordingly, I rang up all my detachments and warned them to be extra vigilant "Keep the security real tight". One of my youngsters assured me "Not to worry sir. Security will be as tight as a duck's assh__e" and hung up.
I pondered over this remark for quite a while and finally called and asked just what he meant by the reference to the duck's anatomy. "Oh that sir," he replied, " If it's not tight, the duck will sink". "unquote"